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This break up is really weird. Four and a half years is just so much to try and reflect on, especially because it’s like a fourth of my life. There were a lot of mistakes and plenty to feel bad about. Trying to think about the progression of things is just really hard.
I miss her. A lot. And at the same time I realize now just how dysfunctional the relationship was. I’m confused and hurting. I know for a fact now that there was nothing that could’ve saved things.
The emotions around it are trash too. I’m trying to feel, because I know it’s unhealthy not to, but it’s just not that simple. It sucks that I don’t have anyone else I respect that I can bounce my ideas and feelings off of. Building something like that up again will be awful.
Relationships are really challenging for me and I make them hard for others too. I’m not sure what to think now. People can be really cool but not the right fit. That sucks.
Culture around relationships really suck too and it complicates things. Especially when it feels like your partner is not very concerned with challenging that culture. I respect her a lot we just have such different approaches to life.
It would be nice to have some sort of metaphor for things, but it’s obviously just far too complicated. Lacking any framework makes understand really difficult. There were some fundamental gaps since the start, and there continued to be wedge issues throughout.
But I don’t think “slowly drifted apart” really does the situation justice. The whole time I was very interested in her personality and talking with her, but piece by piece surrounding things just fell away. By the end she was more or less my best friends with some intimacy.
High school was terribly messy and I did a LOT of fucked up shit. I know I had a lot going on but I also know I caused her far too much trouble. I was initially incredibly dependent on her. I guess as I got mentally better I grew out of that more,but I think it lasted til the end
Retrospectively, sex is probably the area I feel the worst about. There was too much pressure on her, whether it be from me or the environment, and it has really fucked her up. I’m incredibly sorry about that. Especially the weird times when we were “broken up” for a bit
College really marked a turn in the relationship. A big divide in activities, and no longer an excuse to see each other every day. I realize that the structure of high school allowed us to see each other consistently and in a way that didn’t feel like too much.
Planning that out intentionally is a lot more challenging. I wouldn’t want to do it because I didn’t want to do anything. She did most of the planning and resented that a lot. I’m still not sure about the solution, but I imagine it would have to be a change on my part.
But the other thing was that I just didn’t really enjoy spending time with her. Don’t get me wrong, if I had to be somewhere or had to be with anyone, I would want her there 100%. But the choice between being by myself and being with her was really hard for me.