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I think there was lots that I just took for granted, and breaking up made me realize that much more. I’ve thought a lot about how underappreciated she was, and how much I think she was mistreated. And I’m sure to some extent there is some romanticism of the past and
A focus on my own shortcomings. Like we definitely had our issues and lots of the things I’m noticing are pretty far away from the end, so the situations have changed dramatically over time for sure, but still there are some things that just stick with me a lot
I feel the need to clarify that I’m not meaning to say that I want to be back together, because ultimately I don’t think it would work out unless there was a foundational reconstruction. I’m merely reflecting on some of the things that made the relationship so valuable to me, and
Why I think she was a pretty exceptional person. I don’t mean to put her on a pedestal, and I’m probably overhyping to some extent, but she is without question the person I have had the most respect for throughout my life.
Her love for life was so radically different from my own, and that was really valuable to have. I appreciated the pushback on my perspective, and that what I would say wouldn’t just go unchallenged. At the same time, I almost always felt confident that I would receive support
Regardless of the situation. She was attentive to my needs, and that was really nice. I am somewhat worried now that my perception of partnerships is tainted now, where I’ll assume they will offer me too much without me contributing back.
I was fortunate to have her in my life as long as I did. Honestly my life would be just so unbelievably different without her, I couldn’t even comprehend. I truly believe she’s the prominent reason for my ideological shift, and listening to her perspective as
A woman, a person of color, an atheist, a working class background, daughter of an divorced immigrant, having family in another country, a victim of assault, a personal struggle with mental illness, on and on and on: so many experiences different than my own.
She taught me so much, and demonstrated incredible strength in the face of adversity.
I think I wrote about this previously, but I’m not sure what I had to offer in comparison. I hope one day to talk with her and reflect on things, but I am wary of expecting too much. The last thing I want is to be just another pestering boy (first of all, eh) in her life.
I also am incredibly apprehensive the more I write her praises. I really do not want to deify the relationship. We had our issues without a doubt and she was absolutely difficult to deal with at times, but with most issues I would end up putting the blame on myself
And I feel as if it’s impossible to know if I’m focusing too much on my own shortcomings and missing things she did wrong, however it also feels incredibly pedantic to whine over little details when I systemically denied her true fulfillment for all of high school and half of
College. Like any grievance I could have would be completely overshadowed by what I was lacking for her in the relationship. I’m not sure, I think I’d need a therapist or some outside influence to know for sure. Really unfortunate that they were fully booked.
That being said, her handling of gender stuff was pretty rough, but still that was pretty understandable and I didn’t make it easy at first. And I think that’s where I get caught up with criticizing her. Even if I can finally get around to denouncing an action or behavior,
I write it off as understandable. And I would let it fester, and then blow up about issues, to which then the conversation would focus on my presentation. Lol if there’s one thing I would undeniably attribute to her the the skill of avoiding responsibility.