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her face, like "what you're doing is wrong and would make your mom ashamed" and blah blah blah trash bullshit, and then just like "boys will be boys" @ me like wtf. But yeah I def was not nearly as woke on feminist shit like that before, I just thought it was like super bazaar
double standard, but I can see patterns like that now that I didn't then. To me, it was just sort of a roll my eyes yea my parents are shitheads that are flaming you for no reason thats cringe, I don't think I really was able to empathize with her (or at all during that time lol)
And while thats like kinda shitty partner behavior but ultimately not terrible on its own, I think that lack of understanding how much it weighed on her made it easier for me to push her into uncomfortable positions. (I know im taking too many econ classes when im thinking about
internalizing the externality of her feelings lol). But yeah I think for the most part the sexual behavior would have been completely consensual (another weird word in these convos, too many varying concepts shoved into the word) if not for the atmosphere we were in.
Analyzing problematic aspects of the relationship is really tricky when it comes to sex stuff, especially when the shitty behavior is tangential and intertwined with sex, but maybe not the act itself.
Like thinking through this I think I'm convinced that I coerced or pressured her into having sex in an environment that she was not comfortable with, despite us both desiring that sex in better contexts. The tricky part is that we both wanted it, but there were only rare
opportunities where it could have actually worked out, like my parents both being busy away, my brother being out, and us getting off school early. So its possible maybe the answer was just to abstain until those opportunities.
And its also possible that the solution would have involved some sort of risk, but I don't think she had a fair and equal shot to negotiate the situation. And I don't think we had the maturity or communication skills to negotiate the situation correctly.
I think our best times for fair communication as at the start, when we played it very safe, in college, where I was more mature and willing to defer to her feelings, and the worst were during our "breakup" period where we still were having sex
And if I could try to psychoanalyze her I'd probably say that she stopped expressing her sexuality out of fear that I would take that and run with it, and that she had trouble backing out because she wanted to do stuff too, and wanted to make me happy, and I was pressuring
Which is really really sad tbh. That really sucks, and I really hope she can work that out so that she can enjoy herself in the future. I'd feel terrible if I ruined that part of her life forever. Also to be clear if she decides that being asexual is her preference thats obv
fine as well, it would just be unfortunate if she felt forced into that option as a result of the trauma of our relationship. Lol and again that sounds very dramatic and I'm not sure if either one of us would characterize the relationship that way, but at least sexually I think
it may be accurate. It's also possible that we were just really hormonal and horny in high school, and that just fell off over time, but idk. I mean I'm def a lot less horny than I used to be, but I think it'd be pretty dishonest to say that her sexuality was uninfluenced by
the grimy stuff in our relationship. I think at the time I was very much a nihilist, and lacked regard for others, and a lot of my opinions and life perspective were really shit. I think I have fixed a lot of these things going forward, so I'm not worried that this will continue
into future sexual relationships, but I also think its important to take ownership of the shit things of the past regardless. I don't think anything I did was anywhere near rape or what Sinatraa did, but it was a good catalyst to thinking.