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Scrolled through Instagram messages she sent me, and... idk. Kinda forgot how well she knew me. And she would also send like political stuff or even philosophy stuff related to me, and I don’t think I ever really engaged. I guess that’s a good metaphor for the relationship.
She put in lots of effort, it went mostly unappreciated, and I didn’t really give much back. Obv oversimplifying but yeah I don’t think a coincidence. And like often a complaint I had is that we didn’t talk about enough stuff but? She sent things she wanted to talk about,
And they were all things that related to me that I would like. I think it was more severe on Instagram bc I just saw it as something to clear the notifications of, but still that’s pretty shitty.
I’m not under the impression that doing anything more would have saved the relationship, nor would that be desirable. But it is good to keep in mind how much I was missing out on because I was too stubborn or careless. Not to mention it shows a sort of lack of respect for her
Efforts and opinions. There were a lot of meh things about the relationship that caused a lot of disconnect, but there was also a lot of great things too. Stuff like this makes me worry that she will realize this stuff too and not want anything to do with me, or will look back
Negatively on the relationship. And thats not so much like “oh no I’ll feel bad or won’t be able to get value from her anymore” and more like her opinion and perspective is important to me and I would feel uncomfortable with that characterization of myself.
As in like I would have to do a lot of introspection and work out whether I thought that was accurate. As of right now I don’t think the relationship was all bad, but I do acknowledge many of the bad aspects that were primarily on me.
And that could be either me sort of choosing to do something not great, but mostly just me having a much different personality than her. But the average person could totally handle and be compatible with, but I made it sort of miserable.
Basically for the most part I don’t think I was a bad person, just probably bad at filling the primary monogamous partner role she was looking for. And I would have to do the introspection if she went further to characterize me as a bad person throughout.
I guess I’ll never know, and that’s alright, but it would be interesting. Even if she didn’t, I would have to be careful that she wasn’t taking it easy on me, so I think it’s important to be self reflective regardless.