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I think I definitely engaged in a lot of selfish passivity while dating Gail. And while in many cases it may have been acceptable or not necessarily wrong, I don't think I ever communicated what I was doing or thinking properly.
I just watched Midsommar and maybe I'm not correctly interpreting things but a video I watched talking about the movie singled out that passivity in the boyfriend character. Sort of allowing things to happen and having plausible deniability for things that are messed up.
Like I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out how I feel about things because there are lots of instances where I don't think I have any true obligation to do things for others. Like I feel like for most people relationships are an area where you suspend your autonomy
and allow yourself to be influenced and adopt the other person's expectations while also imposing your expectations and influences on the other. And I think I've always really struggled with "romantic relationship" stuff.
Like the obligations put on you are super super informed by the norms of the day and thats just kinda meh idk. So much is left unsaid and there are so many limitations. And it's not like I actively wanted to engage in everything considered taboo often, but just having that
restriction feels odd. Clearly somehow I've taken a moment where I was supposed to be self reflecting on my potentially harmful behavior and turned it into something else but idk. It's possible that much of the criticism levied at the character is just due to
cultural norms, and its hard to tell the difference between that and something that should actually be valued. Obviously people have different expectations for me than I would prefer, but idk. Caring about this so much at all is kinda weird too
Like maybe this is the reflection I need to set myself free of "romantic relationships" and just engage with people freely without the awkward norms that don't work for me. Like once i get this thinking out I won't have to think about it again, even tho ive done a lot of think
Maybe this is needed for me to figure out im aromantic? If thats even a thing? Maybe this is all to circle back around someday to how the dominant culture feels, idk