Now I can’t sleep. Feeling lots about Gail I think. Kinda numb but like wanting to feel something about it idk how to explain. Numb is frustrating. Sometimes I think I don’t let myself grieve, I speedrun all the stages too quick :(

Idk if I’d call them regrets but I just have so many moments where I’m like fuck why did I do that - I wish I hadn’t treated you that way. And like idk it was 4+ years you’re gonna fuck up dude it’s ok

I had and still have a LOT to learn, and it just sucks that she was put on the receiving end of my struggle to improve. I seriously appreciate everything she did for me so much. I miss her very much, she played such an important role in my life.

It’s also hard now bc I sorta have no friends, which in lots of ways is great, but is also confusing. Especially when trying to process emotions about Gail, I don’t know where missing her ends and craving a friend begins. She was basically the only one for a long time,

So they’re pretty connected things in my mind. Also thinking about where and what friendship will look like is hard to imagine. People that think too similarly to me are boring, so classes feel like a dead end. I don’t do anything outside of that,,,, so

Idk I also think in a lot of ways I’m struggling to free myself from imagining a “Gail replacement”, like someone that will fill all the same spots yknow. But there are so many reasons why that’s an awful way of thinking and yeah idrk, it’s hard.