Like I think I’m fairly certain I could be content with any outcome, but not having an approach going in is stressful and confusing. Not like it’s happening tomorrow or anything just difficult to think about and document how I’m feeling.

And honestly it’s even a little embarrassing to think about, like after so much time even considering a re-establishment of anything feels naive, just because there’s no confirmation from the other person. And I mean there are other things, like how I really haven’t changed

Anything about myself since then, at least not super substantially. Like Gail has a ton of future life shit working, and from my perspective seems absolutely ready to take on the world (I’m sure she would disagree, but she is just really capable and I know she can handle so much)

But then there’s me with no job/internship, no clue about the future, living completely off parents, and while I conceptually entirely agree that all the standards and coercion placed upon people are bullshit, doesn’t stop them from being standard and expected and someday I’ll

Have to assimilate. And I’m sure I’ll be able to, and find some bullshit career that I’ll hate but will come to terms with. Just I’m not there right now, and that’s a little awk. Which brings me to another thing that I’ve been thinking about since we broke up which is pretty odd

“What does she see in me” type thing. Obvious answer is that she just liked my personality and I could be fun/supportive or whatever, but there’s still this weird feeling. Like if I’m genuinely deconstructing the question it’s that in capitalist comp mono culture,