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Saw someone’s suicide manifesto on the TL, have some thoughts I wanna unpack. (Yeah maybe a little weird to make someone else’s experience about *me*, but idc not like anyone will really see this)
First I guess I’m stricken by how different it is from my experience. This person was (and is I guess, sorry they’re still around) very artistically minded, and it came out in their writing and style, down to the formatting of document and word choice
But also interesting how other parts were very disorganized, misspelled, or extra punctuation that seemed unintentional. Given the aesthetic frame it was put in, this sort of contributed to that. Like it was desperate and painful and that added to its beauty
And idk that form of expression is just so alien to me, it was kind of fascinating to see pain presented in that way.
I don’t know how to put what I want to say. Ig I’ve always felt a bit odd about suicide manifestos, like not really sure what do. If it’s self reflection and for you I totally get that but then why post/share? Ig suicide has always felt like a very individual choice, and not very
Social in any way. Ofc that’s a bit reductive, but my impulses have always been very individual. That being said tho I haven’t really had social interactions leading me to feel this way and have always been supported by pretty much everyone in my life
Like making one of those has never crossed my mind when thinking like that. If I did make one it would be very personal and I’d maybe keep it somewhere that could be found later but never like sent to anyone or made public.
I’m struggling to imagine what I would even put in it. Justification? I wouldn’t feel the need to explain or justify myself. A message to someone? Why? I could imagine in a document for myself writing like a POV to another to help me process, but not like a message actually
Intended for that person. Blaming/guilting/begging for forgiveness stuff like that just feels pointless idk. I could maybe imagine like “don’t blame yourself” but idk while true they prob would feel that way regardless, and my post won’t change their mind
Also if I’m making one of these, why not post on a timer? So like after it’s done? But then again I’m kinda missing the whole point of these right. Like it can be important to be like hey I need attention on this, I’m in pain and suffering and I need help.
I suppose one part of me feels like you could just say that, but I suppose that’s also a part of the challenge. And it doesn’t feel as “real”. Part of it is performing like hey this is serious, not just the blues
And ofc breaking it down like this is kinda super missing the point, esp when I’ve done reckless things related to this that are pretty nonsensical. Remember when I took like 15 Prozac (or maybe some other med?) and went to the ER? Lmao why
It’s very funny looking back and ofc makes no sense but that’s kinda the whole thing so idk. Even then tho I feel like… hm idk. Sorta just very quickly moved on from that it was kinda zz not important. Never really did much reflection on it. I remember my story being something
Like just wanting to stop feeling, not wanting to die, but idk if that was just the lie I told doctors and parents lol. Weird part was coming to parents I’m very confused why I did that. Wait did I text gail and she tell parents? Hmm