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And ig my thought process was like well my stuff would be of most use to her (computer, money, etc) and was also somewhat I tierlist of how important the relationships were to me (which is interesting to think about from RA POV, haven’t thought about yet hm)
And that perspective stayed even after we broke up, and thoughts about it even popped up more often. I guess it was a way of basically telling myself she was still the most important person in my life, even though she wasn’t in my life anymore. And also kind of this martyr thing
Like oh he’s dead but was so kind which is very funny lmao how weird. But anyway the revelation I had a bit ago was like oh I actually haven’t thought about this idea for a while, and no longer have the impulse to include her, and I thought that that was significant
I guess I interpreted that as like I’ve moved on enough to where that was no longer something I was considering. But now that I’m actually writing this I think it might have more to do with my dispositional shifts towards commodities and relationships lol
Actually really interesting, I don’t know what to write now lol
My perspective as long as I could remember was “I’m dead idc” and then moved to that loose format and now I don’t know lol. Like reflecting that plan was so bad esp now what I understand about the tyranny of structurelessness, but my intent was probably just sorta distribution
According to need, and thought that the prioritization would guard that, but if I was gonna do that I needed to be more specific to prevent the power dynamics at play.
Like even thinking about it now I might actually go back on latest opinion, fuck it gail can have shit lmao isaiah and my parents are fine and it would be more useful.
Reminds me of recent convo talk brought up by parents about grandparents giving their house to Angel and how that wasn’t “fair” and I’m just like lol idc she needs it more and everyone was pretty surprised. Idk ig my brain is very poisoned with distributional qs like that
Like if the government were to 100% estate tax my shit and redistribute it lol based, so I guess doing that personally just makes sense to me as well
Ok well fine even if I’m resulting at similar conclusion to before I feel I understand things lots better, and I do think it’s significant shift from post-breakup which I think was a lot more emotionally influenced and like wanting to be seen positively by her in a weird hero way
I haven’t really thought or written much about her for a bit, though I do have some feelings. A bit nervous and apprehensive about January, I don’t know what that will be like. No idea what I really want, as I feel fine without her but also she’s super cool so idk, “friends” nice
Obv will have to be mediated between us, but might be helpful if I have an idea going in. Honestly tho I feel really flexible, like I could never talk to her again or be “platonic” or have a sexual or “romantic” relationship either way