like i mentioned at the end i dont just want to denegrate self and hold up her on pedestal,,, but this was bad bro. like i was very clearly in the wrong here and for a long time. i'm really glad she was able to break this off, particularly for her sake but also for mine.

that doesn't mean that she loved me for no reason, i know that i have plenty of positive qualities. my treatment of her however was not one of those qualities. my overdependence, anger, impatience, lack of care, lack of empathy

not to say that there could be no positive experiences. of course there are plenty of times when those did not come up, and almost certainly times when she was in the wrong but yknow thats not super valuable for reflection stuff.

just to finish off, another narrative i would tell myself is that i was this like very enlightened and dispassionate person that didn't let my emotions factor into anything, but i mean 1) a lot of that just ended up being repression and toxic masculinity lol

2) it just wasn't true. i pretended like i had evolved so far beyond her, but didn't even bother talking to her about it!!! idk very silly, very pretentious. and in fact, i was super pseudo-intellectual cringe and she was actually far far superior at dealing with serious

applied philosophy cases that i would just brush off or assume i knew everything about, which is ironic bc im pretty sure that was one of my annoyances??? that she wouldn't engage enough in that kind of stuff??? but like bruh she was super super willing and able to reflect on so