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i hate proximity management and i am very bad at it
i don’t know what i want and i don’t know what’s good for me but it probably has something to do with how close i am to you
it frustrates me that my distance from others allows them to grow in ways i have no influence on. that sounds like an impulse to dictate and control and i’m unsure if there’s a read that gets me out of that conclusion, or if it’s even a bad thing
“i miss you” isn’t something that’s felt worth saying for several months at this point. it just doesn’t fit in my mouth correctly. in a way where i might spit it out to expel it, but i wont be satisfied with myself
i’m not interested in some deep connection, i’m not interested in some fortuitous path-crossing, i’m not interested in casual conversation, i’m not interested in the delicate and hallowed intermittence at arms-length
i know something i appreciate right now is something akin to “life partnership”, if you’ll allow the phrase. the perfunctory, unremarkable everyday, the soft and persistent presence, the comfortable familiarity, the minor missteps and reorientations, the mutual support through turbulence
i won’t say that hailey and i have this, but the time there was emblematic of a type of cohabitation that i have in mind that i very much appreciate, and that is very difficult for me to emulate
i mention hailey rather than the more obvious kasey because i think it brings the point into focus much more