Alt Text
Show parent replies
i had misconceptions about creation and its implicit demandingness
like i had this self-conception, self-justification even, that i would curate things or write things or post things and that because it wasn’t a direct message or notification to an individual, it carried no obligations because others had to opt-in and seek it out. i was allowed to be a careless.
and for some things that’s true, like some people will never listen to the updates i make on their playlists, but i also have people that will listen to everything. i don’t really know what that entails for any personal “shoulds”
i think the most extreme extension of this was passing along hours of kasey convos directly to juliet and i still kinda had the attitude of “eh it’s whatever, listen or not, it’s just available.” but that’s not a realistic model of people
if it’s not clear, i liked this thought process because i got to be vulnerable and exposed as much as the observers wanted to pursue, but i wasn’t like shoving it down their throat or forcing it. it allowed me to have this distant form of connection
or like that was the ideal. it also was a stand-in for direct social interaction which i’m rather poor at. in fairness, this sorta half-worked half of the time so it’s understandable how i got hung up on it.
but yea i dont really know where that leaves me. like im doing the thing right now by posting here instead of in a diary, and i dont think ill totally remove that type of communication from my repertoire
but also i think ive learned that not everything has to take that form all of the time, and there a pretty severe limitations and sharp edges i’ll try to keep away from