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my rejection of legibly cognizable relationships can be a crutch that enables cowardice and passivity. despite my ability to be straightforward in other areas, asserting myself and thereby risking imposition and non-reciprocation makes me fearful and meek.
i'm fine being vulnerable, its just that there is so much amatonormative baggage that comes along with a confession of anything resembling romance, and it feels like such a massive leap that irrevocably causes a rift in the relationship, regardless of how the message is received
as a result it feels safer to express my deep feelings of care while obfuscating the exact nature of the feelings. while the above is all true, it's also a bit copium. i meant when i said that i am cowardly; though I suppose a nicer way to put it is unpracticed, unsure, inexperienced, or insecure.
if i'm going to externalize the locus of control once more, i feel i lack the vocabulary to communicate how i feel about others. undoubtedly this is due to personal failings of mine: lack of imagination, weak lexical ability, ignorant of discursive techniques, etc.
but i also feel i lack the appropriate culture to cultivate such skills. maybe if i was better as seeking them out, or more sociable, i could come enrich myself. but even so, its extremely unlikely anyone i come into contact with would be amenable to my basic tenets.
but thats jumping the gun a fair bit, and it would be disingenuous to attribute that as the primary issue. the most apparent problems are clearly my social ineptitude, extensive criteria for interest, instability and unreliability, and frankly my rather boring personality and interests.
i've gotten rather off-track, but to return to the main impetus: it would be advisable for me to not allow myself to indulge in ambiguity to avoid expressing certain emotions, even if they are ultimately indeterminate and my communication is less than perfect.
there is no such thing as determinacy in this domain. expressing oneself is a good action to remind oneself of this fact and loosens the anxiety of perfection. more practice communicating one's messy emotions improves one's ability to do so, even if the whole endeavor is flawed at the outset.
of course there are risks with this as well, and i am apprehensive about too quickly articulating the knot of emotions within me for risk of unduly funneling their development - but it's not as if the alternative actions are neutral either. inaction is action.
i'm not even sure why i'm thinking about this right now lol. this is mostly coming from reflecting about my past, not any contemporary inciting incident.
i should add that the above analysis is overly fatalistic, and that in my experience people have actually been far more open, interested and amenable to alternative amorous approaches than i would expect. chock it up to selection bias or my irresistible charm, but there's no need to be so reluctant.