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in some ways i wish i had more vocabulary and theoretical background to describe the emotions i feel, but i'm also scared of cultivating that knowledge. if i do have new metaphors available to me, i'm scared that will funnel the experiences i have into a narrow set of categories
even describing it that way is missing part of why its so harrowing: it's not as if i independently have experiences and then subsequently interpret them - the interpretation is always already there, mediating the way i feel.
so its not just my takeaways from the experience that are altered, but the experience itself too.
but then the obvious next step is ask "oh so it's already mediated, what's the harm in incorporating new metaphors and vocabulary?" which yeah that's fair, i'm probably just being lazy. i think it's also the intentionality that scares me, runs into the paradox of pragmatism
the real way to do this is probably just 'organically' branch out to new aesthetic experiences: read more, talk more, listen more, see more, write more. i just don't know if i care enough right now to pursue that.. makes me kinda sad bc i think before getting a job i would have :( im so tired now
thats a bit disingenuous tho, i have plenty of time if i want to do it. i'm just weak and unintelligent and lack motivation. it would be cool to be smart but i'm really just lazy and cowardly. i don't aspire to greatness, and that's fine, but not being great feels humiliating and pathetic
At the same time, it’s a bit simplistic to act like it’s exclusively a positive thing to acquire new way ti express myself. There are different degrees of mediation, and different latent tendencies or habits different types lend themselves to.
One main worry is diminishing the frequency and severity of “this metaphor is unsatisfying” I’ll move too quickly to trying to cognitively describe my feelings instead of experiencing them more viscerally, which is something I already struggle with.