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my interactions with my family are incredibly odd because i have an inordinate amount of power and influence. they’re desperate to have me around and no longer have any power to coerce me to do so.
they’ll listen to me talk about anything, and in stark contrast to the rest of my life i gleefully and greedily hog the spotlight. i become a bully, pushing the boundaries of what conversations they are comfortable with, i am frequently hostile and sharp with my words - even if the tone is all jest
this is all observation, not evaluation. i’m not sure if i’d like to change any of it, even if it is rather peculiar
the last vestiges of obligation i have yet to fling off are birthdays and christmas, and these are for my own benefit. i get better commodities that i give, and so going through the motions is worth it. but even then ive begun entirely skipping extended family events, which has been lovely.
it’s actually extremely fun exercising the power i have to get away with things. they beg to be around me to no avail, and then i will show up unannounced at random times. they’re never upset, just surprised and caught off guard. i enjoy asserting my will in this way and watching them accommodate.
it’s possible this is a very compensatory set of behaviors - growing up, i had no control and was subject to their whims and authority, but now the position is flipped.
it might be comforting in a way by fulfilling unconscious psychic needs for both of us. after a series of estrangements and parental failures, they’ll eagerly take whatever they can get, and i get to relive my teen years with the inconsiderateness and irreverence without any of the consequences
while it is fun, i dislike that my enjoyment is still dependent on them to some extent. or more to the point, the fact that i derive enjoyment from it stems from my own weaknesses and shortcomings (assuming my diagnosis is correct). there’s no need to forgive, but not being motivated by it would be
a shift in a positive direction. that’s not necessarily to say any concrete actions themselves will change, as i think they’re currently fairly overdetermined (i’m lazy, im comfortable enough around them to speak directly, i lack respect for them and think i am smarter than them, etc.)