the last vestiges of obligation i have yet to fling off are birthdays and christmas, and these are for my own benefit. i get better commodities that i give, and so going through the motions is worth it. but even then ive begun entirely skipping extended family events, which has been lovely.

it’s actually extremely fun exercising the power i have to get away with things. they beg to be around me to no avail, and then i will show up unannounced at random times. they’re never upset, just surprised and caught off guard. i enjoy asserting my will in this way and watching them accommodate.

it’s possible this is a very compensatory set of behaviors - growing up, i had no control and was subject to their whims and authority, but now the position is flipped.

it might be comforting in a way by fulfilling unconscious psychic needs for both of us. after a series of estrangements and parental failures, they’ll eagerly take whatever they can get, and i get to relive my teen years with the inconsiderateness and irreverence without any of the consequences

while it is fun, i dislike that my enjoyment is still dependent on them to some extent. or more to the point, the fact that i derive enjoyment from it stems from my own weaknesses and shortcomings (assuming my diagnosis is correct). there’s no need to forgive, but not being motivated by it would be

a shift in a positive direction. that’s not necessarily to say any concrete actions themselves will change, as i think they’re currently fairly overdetermined (i’m lazy, im comfortable enough around them to speak directly, i lack respect for them and think i am smarter than them, etc.)