i think i would live a much more varied life if it weren't for [redacted]

it's really sad to think about honestly, the counterfactual of what i could be. and it's easy to think like "oh that's dumb just do the thing anyway" but what i'm mourning is not so much the activities themselves but the type of self that would be motivated to do said activities

that's compatible with saying that nonetheless i am the person i am and have the desires i do, and behaving in accordance with them. but yea idk i'm just tired and i'm sad about who i am and the historical context i find myself in. i think it'd be interesting to be more spontaneous and inquisitive