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in high school i would fill my notebooks with copied lyrics to keep myself calm in class
what a luxury it was to be permitted innocent methods of fighting depression; the last vestiges of innocent ascetic indulgence now comes in the form of occasionally slicing my flesh open.
a demand for the deadening of pain through emotion: the object is to deaden a racking, insidious, nearly unbearable pain by a more violent emotion of any kind whatsoever, for the time being to drive it out of the consciousness - for this purpose an emotion is needed, as wild an emotion as possible.