this diary thread was not the final word on my past actions. it was one moment of reflection, one contributing voice to a chorus of other perspectives. the reason this one was written down is that i felt the need to develop it in a particular way that required sustained reflection.

i have the other perspectives in relatively clear view, and i think about them often. i don’t just want to change or escape the past. im not running away from myself. i’m not motivated by fear or disgust of an old me.

but i also don’t think the only change i have in my sights is killing off the critical parts, so that only self-affirmation remains. so you’re right on that front that we aren’t the same. most of the time i don’t have specific goals or even think in terms of “improvement” or whatever.

i have fun wearing a lot of different masks, and it feels like you sometimes latch onto one of the masks speaking and interpret that as binding truth. but idk at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter. it’s fine if you don’t want to meet or don’t want to talk.

i’m kind of tired of saying “it’s just a misunderstanding”, but it’s hard when you’re saying thing i don’t disagree with and phrasing them as reasons for leaving.

and again this thread was from 2021, and my perspective may have shifted in lots of ways since then. i would definitely write something different now, and ofc that’s the point - i was writing to myself to help me deal with the situation. the function here is pragmatic, not metaphysical evaluation.