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i feel very small all of the time. i dont feel worth very much. i don't like me very much. i frankly incredibly embarrassed and humiliated and disappointed with what i've become
like the thing is, i've been saying it for years at this point. my life froze after college in a lot of meaningful ways. i knew it would, i haven't been able to get it back. i don't like the deformations i've acquired and i feel powerless to stop them.
so yeah, if it means loosening up the boundaries and being less strict with what "i" want, then so be it. anything to get some motion back
it won't be satisfying. i won't endorse it, i won't feel proud. but it will be an experience, and that's something ig. i don't know what else to do.
in case it isn't clear i don't believe any of the things i'm saying right now either but if i don't spit random things out then i'll just remain silent. which is overwhelmingly comfortable and i desperately want it but i can't do that