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this definitely helps

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the answer was just dumping annoying hours into the gig
yea yea identification with the aggressor, metaphysical despair, dog during its own vivisection, i know
clearly emotions out of desperation. the acquiescence has blatantly gendered associations as well. i’m not gonna fight for my own unhappiness as much anymore probably (if you know me, this is a massive concession). ideology is in the doing.
affirmation and resistance in spinoza

Why do People Fight for their Servitude as if it were Salvation?

1 Servitude as a Paradoxical Object of Desire

https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/abs/affirmation-and-resistance-in-spinoza/why-do-people-fight-for-their-servitude-as-if-it-were-salvation/C16143C2E5B9192529F490111BCE7A7F