Alt Text
Show parent replies
I want to text her so bad right now. I miss talking to her. I feel like I’ve lost an incredible companion and partner. I feel like “I’m willing to make the sacrifices to make it work”, but I know that’s not true, and I know that’s not what it would take to fix things. It’s over.
I have a hard time focusing on the pain I’m feeling. In a way I feel undeserving of mourning. I was a toxic partner for a long time in a lot of ways, probably until the very end. I’ve made progress in a lot of ways over the years in terms of communication and maturity, but often
Lacked respect and empathy. I caused her a lot of emotional turmoil. Im not sure if I just was a worse partner, she was more emotional, I repressed my feelings, over never had them in the first place, but I definitely feel like there was a disparity between who was in pain more.
I’m not sure what to make of that. I’m not sure what my goal should be right now. For some reason I’m intensely concerned with her perception of the relationship. I suppose I’m looking for understanding or forgiveness for the pain I caused. I don’t know if that’s very healthy.
I want to be able to address my shortcomings but I don’t want to dwell on them. But what if my shortcomings are so glaring and numerous that they deserve dwelling on? I enjoyed having such a close partnership and it would be nice to have something like that again I think.
I want to improve going forward, but I feel that thoughts like those are distracting from the more difficult confrontation of my previous relationship and how to engage with it. I deeply appreciate the opportunity I had to grow and the support I received along the way.
I don’t think I reciprocated the value I got. And obviously that’s alright, it’s never going to be perfect, but she really poured her heart and soul into the relationship at times, when I rarely if ever did. Definitely somewhat a product of gender roles I think.
She was always the one to “love more” whatever that means, but I’m not entirely sure what she saw in me. Not as in like “I’m worthless” type of way but like I’m not sure what she was getting out of the relationship. I know she loved me but why.
I wasn’t resourceful or useful or kind, interesting or passionate or creative. For the longest time I was a fucked up combination of unearned self importance and simultaneous mental health issues that made me difficult to deal with. I was annoying and hurtful, moody and anxious
She obviously wasn’t perfect either, but her improvement just outpaced my ability to describe my distaste for any action. I was always the one to cause dramatic issues and to take advantage of, even if I didn’t see it that way at the time.
High school overall was a confusing mess, and I didn’t understand myself much less a relationship. Trying to come to terms with any behavior from this time seems like it’s doomed for failure. I don’t want to downplay it’s role in shaping the relationship though.
A lot of bad things happened then that staged things for the future.
Honestly I don’t think things would have ended until she took the leap. She was too important to me to just let go on my own. I’m glad she could free herself. I know that can’t be a healthy way to look at things but thinking back on the history of it all it seems appropriate.
College years were better, but very peculiar. My transition to college was odd, and I don’t remember how much we really talked or hung out then. I remember she put a lot of importance around maintaining that, but as usual I’m sure I under-delivered.