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She was always the one to “love more” whatever that means, but I’m not entirely sure what she saw in me. Not as in like “I’m worthless” type of way but like I’m not sure what she was getting out of the relationship. I know she loved me but why.
I wasn’t resourceful or useful or kind, interesting or passionate or creative. For the longest time I was a fucked up combination of unearned self importance and simultaneous mental health issues that made me difficult to deal with. I was annoying and hurtful, moody and anxious
She obviously wasn’t perfect either, but her improvement just outpaced my ability to describe my distaste for any action. I was always the one to cause dramatic issues and to take advantage of, even if I didn’t see it that way at the time.
High school overall was a confusing mess, and I didn’t understand myself much less a relationship. Trying to come to terms with any behavior from this time seems like it’s doomed for failure. I don’t want to downplay it’s role in shaping the relationship though.
A lot of bad things happened then that staged things for the future.
Honestly I don’t think things would have ended until she took the leap. She was too important to me to just let go on my own. I’m glad she could free herself. I know that can’t be a healthy way to look at things but thinking back on the history of it all it seems appropriate.
College years were better, but very peculiar. My transition to college was odd, and I don’t remember how much we really talked or hung out then. I remember she put a lot of importance around maintaining that, but as usual I’m sure I under-delivered.
We existed in different worlds, and it only got further distant when she started. I think we got better about things by her second semester but it was not easy. We took a break and there was a lot of struggle to find how we fit and what to make of us.
Covid happened and I’m sure we spent time together, but I honestly don’t remember that time well at all.
This year was maybe the most bazaar but also maybe the most normal. We both moved in downtown, but rarely saw one another. We would text and update every day, and I enjoyed that a lot. Some days it felt like a burden, but overall it was nice to feel heard,understood,and cared for
It was at this point I think it was most clear that she was unfulfilled. We were so close to one another, but rarely shared our time and never did anything she truly wanted to do. Any interaction must have felt forced out of me.
I think it’s for this reason I question her devotion to me for so long. I know she loved me, but why? I never had much to begin with and it only got worse over the years. There were plenty of things I enjoyed about her, and she allowed me to engage, but without demanding anything
In return. She was incredibly flexible with me, to a fault I think. This is why I use the phrase “she freed herself”. I think I kept her trapped for a long time and I was too busy being content with my situation to care.
I’m happy she’s free. I want her to feel fulfilled, I think she deserves it. I don’t like using the word “deserve” but it feels right here. After reflecting on the relationship, the amount of pain and effort put in almost demands some karmic justice.
I don’t want to blame myself for everything here, but it is difficult not to have a negative attitude towards my participation in the relationship. I feel like such a loser and I want to talk to her so she can explain how I’m not. Partially to be comforted, but also to understand