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College years were better, but very peculiar. My transition to college was odd, and I don’t remember how much we really talked or hung out then. I remember she put a lot of importance around maintaining that, but as usual I’m sure I under-delivered.
We existed in different worlds, and it only got further distant when she started. I think we got better about things by her second semester but it was not easy. We took a break and there was a lot of struggle to find how we fit and what to make of us.
Covid happened and I’m sure we spent time together, but I honestly don’t remember that time well at all.
This year was maybe the most bazaar but also maybe the most normal. We both moved in downtown, but rarely saw one another. We would text and update every day, and I enjoyed that a lot. Some days it felt like a burden, but overall it was nice to feel heard,understood,and cared for
It was at this point I think it was most clear that she was unfulfilled. We were so close to one another, but rarely shared our time and never did anything she truly wanted to do. Any interaction must have felt forced out of me.
I think it’s for this reason I question her devotion to me for so long. I know she loved me, but why? I never had much to begin with and it only got worse over the years. There were plenty of things I enjoyed about her, and she allowed me to engage, but without demanding anything
In return. She was incredibly flexible with me, to a fault I think. This is why I use the phrase “she freed herself”. I think I kept her trapped for a long time and I was too busy being content with my situation to care.
I’m happy she’s free. I want her to feel fulfilled, I think she deserves it. I don’t like using the word “deserve” but it feels right here. After reflecting on the relationship, the amount of pain and effort put in almost demands some karmic justice.
I don’t want to blame myself for everything here, but it is difficult not to have a negative attitude towards my participation in the relationship. I feel like such a loser and I want to talk to her so she can explain how I’m not. Partially to be comforted, but also to understand
This is all very difficult to think about, and I’m feeling things I don’t often feel. I wish I had her here to make sense of my thoughts, but I know there is no such thing as true closure. It all feels too sudden, like showing up to office hours but not being prepared enough to
Even know what questions to ask. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty of my past. I want to apologize and make up for it, and I want my best friend back. I also want to be able to grieve for my loss properly, but I’m confused and blaming myself is simpler.
This is as much as Twitter will let me send, and probably about all I have to say. I’m tired and there is a large gap in my life now. Things can be so bland. I hope I have the ability to move on with life in a healthy and productive way, even if I don’t know what that means yet.