I think it’s for this reason I question her devotion to me for so long. I know she loved me, but why? I never had much to begin with and it only got worse over the years. There were plenty of things I enjoyed about her, and she allowed me to engage, but without demanding anything

In return. She was incredibly flexible with me, to a fault I think. This is why I use the phrase “she freed herself”. I think I kept her trapped for a long time and I was too busy being content with my situation to care.

I’m happy she’s free. I want her to feel fulfilled, I think she deserves it. I don’t like using the word “deserve” but it feels right here. After reflecting on the relationship, the amount of pain and effort put in almost demands some karmic justice.

I don’t want to blame myself for everything here, but it is difficult not to have a negative attitude towards my participation in the relationship. I feel like such a loser and I want to talk to her so she can explain how I’m not. Partially to be comforted, but also to understand

This is all very difficult to think about, and I’m feeling things I don’t often feel. I wish I had her here to make sense of my thoughts, but I know there is no such thing as true closure. It all feels too sudden, like showing up to office hours but not being prepared enough to

Even know what questions to ask. I’m embarrassed, ashamed, and guilty of my past. I want to apologize and make up for it, and I want my best friend back. I also want to be able to grieve for my loss properly, but I’m confused and blaming myself is simpler.