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With me when I wouldn’t talk with them about my issues. She offered emotional support and performed a lot of parental functions like comforting, organizing, guidance, and even problem solving things with my social anxiety. It was an odd dynamic with her putting a lot of work in
Some parts of this faded away with my personal development, but a lot of my progress took a long time. For instance, my social anxiety lasted far beyond the main part of my eating disorder. Eventually, these became mostly irrelevant parts of my life and her role
Sex is an area worth bringing up I think. We started doing sexual things and I think I was often playing either the role of the initiator or the person to convince it would be fine. Which is really really gross looking back. I suppose I was young but still
I think it was largely a part of the environment, my parents house. It was worrying for her and it felt like she would play the role of being overly cautious. Unfortunately I think the way my brain understood the dynamic was that both of us wanted to be sexual, and we both played
A part in the negotiation. It’s definitely not ideal consensually. I don’t want to give the wrong idea, it’s not like I raped her. To some extent the story I told above was true, we both did want it, but she was rightfully worried about the environment.
We continued having sex even during a break, which I think was very weird and like quasi-dating. I wish I could remember more, but I don’t think that was very smart. Our communication around sex I think was always very poor in the moment, but I think we tried to talk outside of
Sexual environments and I think those were responsible. I’m not sure if it was a drastic or gradual shift, but eventually, we basically stopped having sex. I know this happened at least in college, and it’s possible before that as well. Maybe after our other break it was odd.
Regardless, she ended up feeling not good about sex, probably due to how poorly it was handled earlier. Sexuality used to be a very important part of our relationship I think, and eventually it withered into nothing. (Which obviously I am and was okay with, just finishing roles)
When we went to high school together, we kept each other company in classes, before school, and at lunch. With the structure of school gone, this regular interaction fell, and that friendship component was no longer used.
Our position with hanging out and communication was always tenuous, mostly due to my fault, so I don’t think that changed much over the years. A surprisingly steady part of the relationship.
However, I think the context of school made hanging out feel more approachable and simple. Her driving me home for us to spend time together was simple and easy. Later on, specific effort to hang out must have been made, and it wasn’t (at least on my part)
How we spent our time together was another thing. Long ago I think I just... made her watch me play Overwatch?? Which is super weird and rude lol. I guess it was just one of my only passions, and I didn’t know what else to do. Over time I would have her play, and then she would
Want to play other games. I hated that lol. I don’t know why, I just hated that so much. It wasn’t fun and I was really bored, but she enjoyed herself more and I didn’t get that. I suppose that’s pretty similar for our general interests as well.
Early on with our friend group we would hang out together, and I’m not really sure how that dynamic played out. I bet I was super cringey and weird. I don’t exactly remember how I felt about these sessions, but I think some parts I remember fondly,like the freedom of going places
In a car. But overall I think I disliked them, and would have just preferred to spend time with just gail. Which is pretty funny considering we didn’t do anything really. I must have been so insufferable.