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I’ve been feeling pretty shit meh for the last few days and haven’t really been doing anything. I worked ahead in my classes to clear space for studying for my 390 exam, but I realized that I had a really good handle on the material pretty early into studying.
And it’s pretty interesting. I feel lots better today after my exam,, but I’m not sure if it’s due to the exam? Like right before my exam I reviewed previous year exams for the first time (lol I was depressed before) and I got back into the swing of using my brain, which I like.
And then I took the exam and that was very mentally stimulating as well as tiring, but in a good way. After that I ate, and I think I ate more than I had been. For the last few days, I had kept a pretty close eye on how much I was eating and was pretty concerned with how much
Like setting rules for when I could eat next and how much, etc. I think eating more contributed to feeling better? Like for my body. But now reflecting on that, it doesn’t feel good at all lol. Like I feel pretty gross. I’m trying to think about that. Dr. K and other therapy ppl
Mention how you should sort of allow yourself your initial reaction and recognize that that is okay, and I’m not sure how I feel about that, or even how to go about that. My intuition is just to shut it down and be like well yeah that’s bad
I’m also thinking back to like the basic therapy stuff about food, how I have most control over my actions, medium control over my thoughts, and little control over my emotions. It’s just so difficult I feel so gluttonous and out of control. I don’t think I have a binge ED
Like my “binges” are prob just normal meals but holy shit like reflecting on my day I feel like I’ve eaten so much. Fuck it’s really hard, and managing snack type food or timing intervals is a big challenge. I think it would be nice to have a nutritionist or coach or something
Anyway I’m way off track basically I’m not sure if reactivating my brain for the exam, eating a more normal amount, or the subsequent engagement in philosophy was the thing that made me feel better. Prob a combo, and prob built on each other. Like had to prep for exam ->
Eating more bc tired from exam or needed energy / didn’t have energy to think about food stuff -> body/brain could function / wasn’t thinking about food which makes me miserable (lol) -> could engage with philosophy which is fun.
I’m not sure how to put it, but I feel so much less foggy now than the last couple days. Like I have the energy and interest to do things, which is really neat. Wish it didn’t have to come at the cost of feeling marginally gross about body. Might try to do some meal plan stuff