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I just saw another tweet that made me want to reflect some more. It said "no does not mean "convince me"". Obv thats true, and it took me an embarrasingly long time to realize that. I mean I def was not to the level of like maliciously doing whatever blah but im not interested in
playing defense rn. regardless of my intent, my actions carry weight and are important. So for instance in high school i would ask her if she wanted to do things, and she would express that she wasn't really feeling comfortable, which makes sense and is reasonalbe and blah
im just gonna type without caveat much bc i think its annoying and will slow this down
basically she says nah, and then i sort of take it as my role to keep pushing, which is so fucking stupid. like the way it worked in my head at the time was "well one of us is overly cautious, so i will play the opposite role of being like extra pursuing which is really gross lol
yeah yikes looking back on this is rough. it was such ridiculous toxic masc propaganda shit god. its so fucking cringe that i inflicted that on her. like at no point was I thinking that this was wrong ig, thats just rly gross
and its just too mcuh pressure for her to come forward and explain everything to me like how its harmful and not cool, and she tried too, we just never ended up resolving it bc it was a hard and tricky convo and i dont think we had the vocabulary and understanding to explain it
to each other. idk, i really wish we would have talked more about it, and i wish i could talk with her now. she never really liked to do the introspection stuff or have like breakdowns of normativity and stuff, but felt rly strong about the conclusions of feminism,anti-racism,etc
which is fine yknow like most people dont like that stuff but for me thats how I learn things by breaking down and analyzing and introspection so its hard to communicate across that, especially when it feels like I have to opine on her emotions and then do the introspection
for her. frustrating to know if I had done something wrong and how, most I could usually gather is that I had done something wrong. Im trying to process these emotions and I know that theyre important and a big piece of the disconnect between us, but Im not saying by any means