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playing defense rn. regardless of my intent, my actions carry weight and are important. So for instance in high school i would ask her if she wanted to do things, and she would express that she wasn't really feeling comfortable, which makes sense and is reasonalbe and blah
im just gonna type without caveat much bc i think its annoying and will slow this down
basically she says nah, and then i sort of take it as my role to keep pushing, which is so fucking stupid. like the way it worked in my head at the time was "well one of us is overly cautious, so i will play the opposite role of being like extra pursuing which is really gross lol
yeah yikes looking back on this is rough. it was such ridiculous toxic masc propaganda shit god. its so fucking cringe that i inflicted that on her. like at no point was I thinking that this was wrong ig, thats just rly gross
and its just too mcuh pressure for her to come forward and explain everything to me like how its harmful and not cool, and she tried too, we just never ended up resolving it bc it was a hard and tricky convo and i dont think we had the vocabulary and understanding to explain it
to each other. idk, i really wish we would have talked more about it, and i wish i could talk with her now. she never really liked to do the introspection stuff or have like breakdowns of normativity and stuff, but felt rly strong about the conclusions of feminism,anti-racism,etc
which is fine yknow like most people dont like that stuff but for me thats how I learn things by breaking down and analyzing and introspection so its hard to communicate across that, especially when it feels like I have to opine on her emotions and then do the introspection
for her. frustrating to know if I had done something wrong and how, most I could usually gather is that I had done something wrong. Im trying to process these emotions and I know that theyre important and a big piece of the disconnect between us, but Im not saying by any means
that the sexual stuff was her fault for not communicating. Clearly clearly clearly that is on me, I'm my own agent I make my choices that impact others. I had just stumbled into another thing to dissect that was relevant for me to think about.
I really wish we could still have a relationship (not like a *relationship* but like a friendship). I really valued talking with her and I miss the intimacy of knowing someone that well and them knowing me that well. I understand that she needs time and ultimately I think its
for the best for our relationship, but its times like these when the relationship anarchy stuff is just so appealing. Like oh this part of our relationship doesn't work anymore? lets communicate and reform how it works. It would be nice to process and look back on things with her
Tbh tho more than anything I wish we addressed things properly as they came up, so that all this reflection wouldnt be neccessary. Obv this was not achievable at high school level, we just werent mature enough. And in college, she either had no desire to or was too busy,prob both
Which makes breakup like even more inevitable, if the relationship im looking for has constant communication on a meta level about whats going on and what we want it to be and processing what is happening, its just super challenging to do that with someone who its not their style
like she def leaned back on the hueristics of dating and how things should be and then worked from there, rather than designing those things for herself. which tbf is super fucking hard and im incredibly privileged to have the time and space to think about that stuff, and its
also just my preference. Our differences definitely became apparent at the end, and I suppose the breakup is for the best, bc i dont think she could deal with any other way. like the category of "boyfriend" provided a lot of utility to her in the same way that gender does, and