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which is fine yknow like most people dont like that stuff but for me thats how I learn things by breaking down and analyzing and introspection so its hard to communicate across that, especially when it feels like I have to opine on her emotions and then do the introspection
for her. frustrating to know if I had done something wrong and how, most I could usually gather is that I had done something wrong. Im trying to process these emotions and I know that theyre important and a big piece of the disconnect between us, but Im not saying by any means
that the sexual stuff was her fault for not communicating. Clearly clearly clearly that is on me, I'm my own agent I make my choices that impact others. I had just stumbled into another thing to dissect that was relevant for me to think about.
I really wish we could still have a relationship (not like a *relationship* but like a friendship). I really valued talking with her and I miss the intimacy of knowing someone that well and them knowing me that well. I understand that she needs time and ultimately I think its
for the best for our relationship, but its times like these when the relationship anarchy stuff is just so appealing. Like oh this part of our relationship doesn't work anymore? lets communicate and reform how it works. It would be nice to process and look back on things with her
Tbh tho more than anything I wish we addressed things properly as they came up, so that all this reflection wouldnt be neccessary. Obv this was not achievable at high school level, we just werent mature enough. And in college, she either had no desire to or was too busy,prob both
Which makes breakup like even more inevitable, if the relationship im looking for has constant communication on a meta level about whats going on and what we want it to be and processing what is happening, its just super challenging to do that with someone who its not their style
like she def leaned back on the hueristics of dating and how things should be and then worked from there, rather than designing those things for herself. which tbf is super fucking hard and im incredibly privileged to have the time and space to think about that stuff, and its
also just my preference. Our differences definitely became apparent at the end, and I suppose the breakup is for the best, bc i dont think she could deal with any other way. like the category of "boyfriend" provided a lot of utility to her in the same way that gender does, and
those types of categories were rapidly becoming not my style in any way. Im aware that it was too fast and radical and I didn't handle that well, but tbf she didnt really want to talk about it much either. idk the whole thing is messy.
for some reason tho i really wish we could talk about the sex stuff. maybe its just bc i feel guilty and want her to validate me, but i think (or hope) it might be more than that. she was the only other one there, and I think her perspective would be valuable. ideally she would
have thought about it ahead of time, and we could just chat things out. And part of me thinks, so what? if she disagreed with me and thought I was like the worst person in the world, thats her problem. but like i really dont want to be blinded by just having my personal bias
like despite it all being in the past and i wont act like that again, i think it would be nice to break it down and be forced to be confronted with that stuff. and the other thing is i think shes really smart and i respect her opinion when she spends the time on issues
that all being said, I know that closure is kinda just some elusive thing that doesn't really happen and I dont think this fairy tale will ever happen. 2022 will probably have some awkward texts, maybe we'll meet up once, but yeah idk. even if we do remain friends (dont see how
rn) I dont think we'll ever have that closure. which on one hand is like eh so what I have all sorts of relationships without closure, but yknow she was an important part of my life for an important time in my life.