.: "Just really strange. Idk. But now I’ve been counting calories and I even bought a scale. Everything I’m doing is very methodical, but my impulses feel very out of control. I thought I weighed about 170, turns out I’m 146 (the scale arrived today)."

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.Mar 23, 2021

I’m struggling a lot with food again. Now I kinda know more though so I’m doing it in a weird and probably more effective way. Previously I basically got all of the bad parts and none of the good of being anorexic. My BMI was on the low end of normal but my eating patterns were

.@disheveled.diary.dreary.dev

Just really strange. Idk. But now I’ve been counting calories and I even bought a scale. Everything I’m doing is very methodical, but my impulses feel very out of control. I thought I weighed about 170, turns out I’m 146 (the scale arrived today).

March 23, 2021 at 5:49 PM

.Mar 23, 2021

I’m trying to be aim for 1500-1600 calories, I think any lower is bad and will do weird starve mode shit. It takes a lot a LOT of mental energy. I think about it all the fucking time. But the alternative seems so much worse. Like how could I just go about my day randomly

.Mar 23, 2021

Consuming amounts of food. I think it’s fair to say I have some sort of body dysmorphia shit going down. Also food sizes to calories are like ridiculous - nuts have so much, veg has so little. Anyway idk what I want to do going forward, and I don’t really feel like I can talk to

.Mar 23, 2021

Anyone about it. I guess I’ll keep a journal and try to speak up if I feel things are going too far. When I thought I was heavier, my goal was 145, but now I think 135 would be nice. I’m aware this is mostly in my head, but my body feels very gross and I would like to relieve

.Mar 23, 2021

That. I know reaching arbitrary threshold won’t help with that, and I know this issue goes much deeper than just solving it by giving in. I’m just gonna see where this takes me for a bit.