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I’m struggling a lot with food again. Now I kinda know more though so I’m doing it in a weird and probably more effective way. Previously I basically got all of the bad parts and none of the good of being anorexic. My BMI was on the low end of normal but my eating patterns were
Just really strange. Idk. But now I’ve been counting calories and I even bought a scale. Everything I’m doing is very methodical, but my impulses feel very out of control. I thought I weighed about 170, turns out I’m 146 (the scale arrived today).
I’m trying to be aim for 1500-1600 calories, I think any lower is bad and will do weird starve mode shit. It takes a lot a LOT of mental energy. I think about it all the fucking time. But the alternative seems so much worse. Like how could I just go about my day randomly
Consuming amounts of food. I think it’s fair to say I have some sort of body dysmorphia shit going down. Also food sizes to calories are like ridiculous - nuts have so much, veg has so little. Anyway idk what I want to do going forward, and I don’t really feel like I can talk to
Anyone about it. I guess I’ll keep a journal and try to speak up if I feel things are going too far. When I thought I was heavier, my goal was 145, but now I think 135 would be nice. I’m aware this is mostly in my head, but my body feels very gross and I would like to relieve
That. I know reaching arbitrary threshold won’t help with that, and I know this issue goes much deeper than just solving it by giving in. I’m just gonna see where this takes me for a bit.