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The last few days I’ve had feelings that led me believe I had feelings to process about Gail again, but every time I tried I wouldn’t have anything to say. And I think now I’m realizing that I was just feeling sort of emotionally vulnerable and reflective, and those emotions
had become associated with Gail recently due to the breakup, but can also just exist on their own too. It’s been easy to just default to “oh I’m feeling emotional? Must be about gail; let’s process”
But now that nothing is happening on that front, I’ll have to turn to other sources or lenses to process. That’s obviously more healthy and realistic long term, but is a difficult transition. And for multiple years while I was with Gail I would have our relationship
As an immediate repository for my reflections, and was able to receive feedback and support. I could obviously receive that now from other sources, but my current support group I don’t feel very comfortable with that, nor do I think I’d get much out of it.
So for the time being I’ll be learning how to handle that on my own. And I’ll have to get used to the fact that maybe I don’t have much to say for a bit, and that can be fine. However, I think it’s important I don’t let myself fall into emotional repression or numbness,
as I’m aware my hobbies of staying alone inside with videos and games tends to do to people. I’ll continue keeping a close eye on my mental health, and allow myself to grow, but not push myself needlessly out of my comfort zone.
Lately I’ve been exploring music more as an aesthetic pursuit, and I’m excited for the semester end to continue that more deeply.