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I've known this for a while but I don't think I've written it down or distinctly thought about it, but I think I just hate the idea of interacting with the world. I don't know how to really put this in words.
I don't like putting myself out there, making a difference, asserting myself. I would rather be a passive observer in everything I do, I don't want to impact anyone else, and I often find the impact of others on me to be intrusive. Additionally, I also hate the limits that are
put on me by the world. I hate being confined to a body, I hate requiring food, shelter, money, work. I struggle to truly enjoy anything other than pure experience of thought. I don't know how to unpack this stuff to be honest.
I just find it so deeply unfortunate that my existence must be paired with the limitations of scarcity, my body, being influenced by others and forcing my will upon others. Existence is constitutively coercive, and that's trash. I hate that I was "raised" by parents.
I hate that I am expected to write essays with my opinions, I am forever uninformed enough to make decisions properly, and the consequences of not making decisions are disastrous. I hate my consumption of anything: food, space, attention. I think people are all too quick to write
off these things as "just the way the world works" rather than truly dwelling on an importantly oppressive feature of existence. While I understand that whining about that stuff won't do anything, I think its important to recognize.
That way we can better realize that we sentient beings are all struggling against the forces that have been thrust upon us. This lack of solidarity really sucks. :/ Honestly not even having the option to pop in and out of existence sucks too. What if I just want a break?
I'm sure the metaphysics of all this blah blah blah implications blah idc I'm just tired of being subjected to this and that I never consented to this and that true informed consent could never be possible. I'm annoyed that I seem to be the only one who cares about this.
That being said, I know there are some anarchists who have written about this stuff. I know some of the things I talked about might sound like anti-natalist or depressed talking points but yeah idk. Stuff like this just strengthens my affinity for anarchist analysis, it seems
as if they are the only ones who write or think about these issues. I'm so tired.
oh yeah and another thing i forgot to mention is that I hate applying an identity to myself like even labels like agender or pansexual are sort of like I guess they literally apply? but I think that language like that is super limiting on my self conception.
yeah that applies to things like pronouns too like I hate having pronouns or having to choose, but then I also have to deal with interacting with others and pronouns are an important part of that. idk just really annoying
oh yeah and also things like my voice, i have very little control over what I sound like and its the primary means of communication, and thats just really meh. I could do voice training but there are limits and not a true option to opt out, plus that would take extra effort
and time. Don't even get me started on time and energy and all that. Idk scarcity is the primary evil of the world in so many ways. fuck that shit
oh and i also feel the emphasize how much consumerism sucks and how I don't like buying anything. Feels like complicity in their behavior but also powerless enough to not do anything. just disappointing and frustrating