I spent a bunch of time today looking at Filipino stuff and idk how really to feel about it. Maybe its just guilt from not caring earlier or something. It does a little bit worry me how much I'm still affected by her, like worried I'm not getting over things. But if I take a

step back and think about things, I think that it makes sense and is a good thing or at least neutral. Like she was obviously a super big part of my life and my growing up, of course I'm going to be impacted by that. I don't need to feel shame about that.

It can feel like I'm not moving on properly, and I feel like me being inside all the time and not interacting with anyone else makes that worse. It really bothers me how I now lack people to critically engage with, like I could bounce ideas off with gail for hours and it was

probably my favorite thing to do. Idk she was like the only person I had "philosophy" discussions with, idk if thats because I already trusted her and felt like I could be honest? And like I respected her ability to think and challenge me, it was really cool.