I spent a bunch of time today looking at Filipino stuff and idk how really to feel about it. Maybe its just guilt from not caring earlier or something. It does a little bit worry me how much I'm still affected by her, like worried I'm not getting over things. But if I take a

step back and think about things, I think that it makes sense and is a good thing or at least neutral. Like she was obviously a super big part of my life and my growing up, of course I'm going to be impacted by that. I don't need to feel shame about that.

It can feel like I'm not moving on properly, and I feel like me being inside all the time and not interacting with anyone else makes that worse. It really bothers me how I now lack people to critically engage with, like I could bounce ideas off with gail for hours and it was

probably my favorite thing to do. Idk she was like the only person I had "philosophy" discussions with, idk if thats because I already trusted her and felt like I could be honest? And like I respected her ability to think and challenge me, it was really cool.

Idk, I do really miss that, and I do really miss her. I'm not sure if thats compatible with moving on, but I'd like to think that it is. Like missing someone and the role they played in your life without necessarily wanting it back or letting it get in your way.