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Continuing to grapple with allowing myself to feel things and moving on. I don’t want to dwell too much maybe? But I definitely don’t want to suppress. I honestly think a huge part of me lacking that “”closure”” is not having someone I consider a true peer to talk to.
Not to diminish the relationships I’m in, but they’re just…. Different than would be helpful in this way. I keep thinking about convos I would have with gail if I could, idk if that’s healthy. Closure is obv fake, it doesn’t work like that.
However, I still think it would be nice at some point. Maybe naive or unhealthy, I’m not sure. I do worry a bit about the pace of my emotional progress, and feel a bit of embarrassment in general about yknow my sort of pace of “growing up”
But I also know that a lot of that success path is defined by some really toxic trash capitalist dogma so fuck that lol, it’s still frustrating and embarrassing to deal with people that have that shit internalized (most people yay)
I just don’t want my ability to emotionally move on when the time and space is right to be hindered by my justifiable lack of progress in the economic sense. I suppose a big part is that I don’t have much to move on to, yknow?
Just sorta chillin alone in apartment doing summer courses. Don’t get me wrong, I love that! Just maybe not super conducive for switching my life up in a meaningful and healthy way to move on properly.
And yet again, I could just be rushing it! It’s been four months out of a 4 plus year relationship like I think it’s probably reasonable for me to be feeling uneasy here and there. Obviously I won’t and don’t want to ever truly “move on”, because it’s an important portion
Of my life, like unbelievably so. My entire personality got flipped on its head multiple times, in no small part due to her. I don’t mean to look back with rose colored glasses though, there was a lot of messy and gross stuff, but that stuff was and is influential too mr too.
I still don’t think I have a completely coherent approach to relationship post-mortems, and for instance my understanding of my relationship with Sydney bothered Gail a lot. This is pretty different tho, I was more of the “victim” with S, and I broke up with her.
With Gail, I’m obviously still formulating my thoughts but I feel as I was for more manipulative/hurtful/abusive. It’s just a way different dynamic to make sense of. I’m just flooded with memories where I acted totally shit lol, it sucks.
Like people make mistakes, and it’s okay to admit I fucked up. I’m not sure if I’ve totally internalized the “it’s okay” part, and I may feel like I need external validation of that, particularly from Gail, but that seems super questionable.
Like I probably shouldn’t be that reliant on her, not now or ever, but ig it’s also hard to disaggregate her being my only support system and her being the one I’ve wronged. Like if she didn’t forgive me? I’d still have to move on lol
Not to say that I wouldn’t take it to heart, just like I can’t live my life forever considering myself a bad person. A person that did plenty of bad things to someone over the course of years? Absolutely. The only model I’ve seen for really coming to terms with that type of thing