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And yet again, I could just be rushing it! It’s been four months out of a 4 plus year relationship like I think it’s probably reasonable for me to be feeling uneasy here and there. Obviously I won’t and don’t want to ever truly “move on”, because it’s an important portion
Of my life, like unbelievably so. My entire personality got flipped on its head multiple times, in no small part due to her. I don’t mean to look back with rose colored glasses though, there was a lot of messy and gross stuff, but that stuff was and is influential too mr too.
I still don’t think I have a completely coherent approach to relationship post-mortems, and for instance my understanding of my relationship with Sydney bothered Gail a lot. This is pretty different tho, I was more of the “victim” with S, and I broke up with her.
With Gail, I’m obviously still formulating my thoughts but I feel as I was for more manipulative/hurtful/abusive. It’s just a way different dynamic to make sense of. I’m just flooded with memories where I acted totally shit lol, it sucks.
Like people make mistakes, and it’s okay to admit I fucked up. I’m not sure if I’ve totally internalized the “it’s okay” part, and I may feel like I need external validation of that, particularly from Gail, but that seems super questionable.
Like I probably shouldn’t be that reliant on her, not now or ever, but ig it’s also hard to disaggregate her being my only support system and her being the one I’ve wronged. Like if she didn’t forgive me? I’d still have to move on lol
Not to say that I wouldn’t take it to heart, just like I can’t live my life forever considering myself a bad person. A person that did plenty of bad things to someone over the course of years? Absolutely. The only model I’ve seen for really coming to terms with that type of thing
Is Destiny, and I think that’s a bit too toxic masc for my style and not enough recognition of wrong, downplays too much.
Lol I kinda realized I’ve shifted to intellectualizing, probbaly not super useful for emotional progress. Idk. I’ve typed enough ig. I still miss her, and I still feel something similar to pain? Maybe like there’s something lacking that I normally have? But that’s not it.
Like that would make sense, but that’s not how I really feel I guess. I think im done now tho