Of my life, like unbelievably so. My entire personality got flipped on its head multiple times, in no small part due to her. I don’t mean to look back with rose colored glasses though, there was a lot of messy and gross stuff, but that stuff was and is influential too mr too.

I still don’t think I have a completely coherent approach to relationship post-mortems, and for instance my understanding of my relationship with Sydney bothered Gail a lot. This is pretty different tho, I was more of the “victim” with S, and I broke up with her.

With Gail, I’m obviously still formulating my thoughts but I feel as I was for more manipulative/hurtful/abusive. It’s just a way different dynamic to make sense of. I’m just flooded with memories where I acted totally shit lol, it sucks.

Like people make mistakes, and it’s okay to admit I fucked up. I’m not sure if I’ve totally internalized the “it’s okay” part, and I may feel like I need external validation of that, particularly from Gail, but that seems super questionable.

Like I probably shouldn’t be that reliant on her, not now or ever, but ig it’s also hard to disaggregate her being my only support system and her being the one I’ve wronged. Like if she didn’t forgive me? I’d still have to move on lol

Not to say that I wouldn’t take it to heart, just like I can’t live my life forever considering myself a bad person. A person that did plenty of bad things to someone over the course of years? Absolutely. The only model I’ve seen for really coming to terms with that type of thing