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Ok trial 2. Basically I think I’m overall glad I’ve not felt the need to think about her as much. Before when imagining meeting up it felt like I could be going back to something safe and familiar, like it would remove the tension and pain of absence I was feeling.
But idk I just didnt feel that way, and that was kinda shocking at first. It makes sense I suppose, still just a little odd. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a very high opinion of Gail and think it would be great to see her again, but I think now I’m able to be a little
More realistic about it not just being relief for the pain I was feeling, and that it will probably be pretty awkward and uncomfortable and all the rest. I’m actually feeling pretty anxious lol. Not only will it be difficult to navigate practically, but also I have to consider
What I even would like in terms of relationship. Like it may just be easier to touch base once and never talk again, or be friends, or I don’t even know. And that’s impossible to figure out without the other person, so it’s hard to think about my own desires
Like I think I’m fairly certain I could be content with any outcome, but not having an approach going in is stressful and confusing. Not like it’s happening tomorrow or anything just difficult to think about and document how I’m feeling.
And honestly it’s even a little embarrassing to think about, like after so much time even considering a re-establishment of anything feels naive, just because there’s no confirmation from the other person. And I mean there are other things, like how I really haven’t changed
Anything about myself since then, at least not super substantially. Like Gail has a ton of future life shit working, and from my perspective seems absolutely ready to take on the world (I’m sure she would disagree, but she is just really capable and I know she can handle so much)
But then there’s me with no job/internship, no clue about the future, living completely off parents, and while I conceptually entirely agree that all the standards and coercion placed upon people are bullshit, doesn’t stop them from being standard and expected and someday I’ll
Have to assimilate. And I’m sure I’ll be able to, and find some bullshit career that I’ll hate but will come to terms with. Just I’m not there right now, and that’s a little awk. Which brings me to another thing that I’ve been thinking about since we broke up which is pretty odd
“What does she see in me” type thing. Obvious answer is that she just liked my personality and I could be fun/supportive or whatever, but there’s still this weird feeling. Like if I’m genuinely deconstructing the question it’s that in capitalist comp mono culture,
It’s assumed that “your” one “partner” will have a well providing job and that people should be on their path to do that otherwise there’s no point in being with them. Which when broken down is like ok yeah that’s silly as shit, but charitably because that’s the assumed