fucking disgusting

i joined a twitter call thing last night which is just like a public vc from ppl you follow and this one girl was talking about how her boyfriend was a lot taller than her and weighed less and ouch ouch ouch ouch

i know these ppl have very bad reactionary social positions but still it hurts, seriously this thing is really hard to let go of. i relapse all the fucking time its so annoying but looking like this is so much worse

i feel so fucking gross and the constant fluxuation is awful for my body i know and will also make it much harder to look the way i want to. its just so hard. im really stuck. i wish my body didn't have to correlate to healthy eating, and that lack of healthy eating didnt fuck

with so much other shit. Im so tired of fighting this off, i can't be happy no matter what i do. Its like the one area of my life where i feel this way. not to mention its so fucking weird to have like "eating disorder" thoughts but like my actions and behavior aren't really that

like im aware eds at any weight blah blah but still its fucking embarrassing to be like oh yeah i struggle with ed shit but im still disgusting as fuck and also i eat normal enough frequently like theres this permanent internal struggle thats never "real" enough even tho thats