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the texts leading up to break up (that i can remember? maybe i did right after?) but yeah yeeeesh this is so fucking shit
at the time i think i was super arrogant and wayyyyy over confident fucking philosophy bro cringelord and wow jesus christ is shows. she was actually communicating so well and i was just all over the place. this is actually super embarrassing.
I don't know why I always feel like developmentally behind her but wow it really shows after giving some space between.
not to say that i think we should have stayed together necessarily, there were still some deep issues that would possibly impossible to resolve, but wow i could have communicated so so so so much better and we could have talked about stuff that was actually important
AHHHHHHHH shes trying SO HARD and i am making things SO DIFFICULT??? WHY?>?>?
ok so she made this great list of things that were super important for her that she didn't feel like matched up very well and i wanna go through them (esp the highlighted ones)
*but first i wanna acknowledge change in perspective ive had since about RA stuff. i dont feel the need for everything to be attached to one life partner, so a lot of the things that are *lacking* on the list my solution is just to find other relationships that fill that void,
thats my first intuition but i have to fight back against that bc even if you dont need 1 partner to fulfill everything, it can still be nice and cool to connect with your relationships in ways that matter to them*
with that out of the way, ill start w/ respectful: at the time, i was absolutely fucking horrendous at communicating (even worse than i thought yikes) and was super aggressive in convos where i was convinced i was right. super fucking cringe, super fucking gross.
i think ive grown in this way? which is odd to say bc i haven't really had a ton of new interactions but i think this space has really enriched my character in a lot of important ways, even if that seems a little counterintuitive.
idk i just feel a lot less angry and righteously indignant, and like ive really developed personality in a different direction. a lot less overconfident in my abilities and knowledge, and much more aware of my reliance on others
idk honestly i think i just sort of discovered empathy? which is weird to say but i feel like it happened. i think i was super fucking logic brain and how fucking awful im so sorry yikes
ok next, independence: "not too reliant on me, do not want to feel like I'm a babysitter", "someone who is complete on their own"
i mean can't say it better than that, i def did not live up to those criteria
suuuuper dependent, honestly such a fundamental shift in character after breakup its hard to imagine it. that must have been absolutely draining and was entirely unfair. i was keeping her at arms length often but still demanding so much care
i feel like now im way more capable to handle things by myself, and even though i still have anxiety its like fundamentally different. now i think its a lot more in line with most people's feelings of nervousness, whereas before it was like. woah. very impeding on everyday life