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ok so she made this great list of things that were super important for her that she didn't feel like matched up very well and i wanna go through them (esp the highlighted ones)
*but first i wanna acknowledge change in perspective ive had since about RA stuff. i dont feel the need for everything to be attached to one life partner, so a lot of the things that are *lacking* on the list my solution is just to find other relationships that fill that void,
thats my first intuition but i have to fight back against that bc even if you dont need 1 partner to fulfill everything, it can still be nice and cool to connect with your relationships in ways that matter to them*
with that out of the way, ill start w/ respectful: at the time, i was absolutely fucking horrendous at communicating (even worse than i thought yikes) and was super aggressive in convos where i was convinced i was right. super fucking cringe, super fucking gross.
i think ive grown in this way? which is odd to say bc i haven't really had a ton of new interactions but i think this space has really enriched my character in a lot of important ways, even if that seems a little counterintuitive.
idk i just feel a lot less angry and righteously indignant, and like ive really developed personality in a different direction. a lot less overconfident in my abilities and knowledge, and much more aware of my reliance on others
idk honestly i think i just sort of discovered empathy? which is weird to say but i feel like it happened. i think i was super fucking logic brain and how fucking awful im so sorry yikes
ok next, independence: "not too reliant on me, do not want to feel like I'm a babysitter", "someone who is complete on their own"
i mean can't say it better than that, i def did not live up to those criteria
suuuuper dependent, honestly such a fundamental shift in character after breakup its hard to imagine it. that must have been absolutely draining and was entirely unfair. i was keeping her at arms length often but still demanding so much care
i feel like now im way more capable to handle things by myself, and even though i still have anxiety its like fundamentally different. now i think its a lot more in line with most people's feelings of nervousness, whereas before it was like. woah. very impeding on everyday life
I def feel "complete on my own", at least in the sense she means (plenty of individualist crip theory critiques, but i know what its referencing) overall very salient criticism, and something im glad to have grown a lot on since.
next, "strong ambition for life": "excited for things, although not overly, still realistic and practical, but enjoys life and appreciates the things that make it complex", "celebrates life with me :) bc its really cool and fun and should be appreciated"
yeah i think there still might be some mismatch here, but more in how these ideas are instantiated (ex. she might mean ambition for life as going out and hiking and appreciating nature, whereas i could experience the same intense pleasure and appreciation by reading a book)
BUT there is still a lot of valid critique in there that isnt just that. i def struggled w depression stuff a lot and felt very aimless and sad. i think now i have a bit more strong footing and ive had space and time to construct my grounding for myself. very important w things
like jogging for ex., it felt like it was my choice and my idea, not imposed from elsewhere. i think this one is also hard tho bc she was much more actively seeking out a positive project for fulfillment, where I still am more happy just being content and not really striving