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i feel like now im way more capable to handle things by myself, and even though i still have anxiety its like fundamentally different. now i think its a lot more in line with most people's feelings of nervousness, whereas before it was like. woah. very impeding on everyday life
I def feel "complete on my own", at least in the sense she means (plenty of individualist crip theory critiques, but i know what its referencing) overall very salient criticism, and something im glad to have grown a lot on since.
next, "strong ambition for life": "excited for things, although not overly, still realistic and practical, but enjoys life and appreciates the things that make it complex", "celebrates life with me :) bc its really cool and fun and should be appreciated"
yeah i think there still might be some mismatch here, but more in how these ideas are instantiated (ex. she might mean ambition for life as going out and hiking and appreciating nature, whereas i could experience the same intense pleasure and appreciation by reading a book)
BUT there is still a lot of valid critique in there that isnt just that. i def struggled w depression stuff a lot and felt very aimless and sad. i think now i have a bit more strong footing and ive had space and time to construct my grounding for myself. very important w things
like jogging for ex., it felt like it was my choice and my idea, not imposed from elsewhere. i think this one is also hard tho bc she was much more actively seeking out a positive project for fulfillment, where I still am more happy just being content and not really striving
which i think touches on some fundamental differences in values, which ive been able to solidify by reading and learning more. like there are a couple things on the list that are very productivist that ive become very dissolutioned with ("ambition, strong work ethic,
growth mindset"). this could just be difference in wording but idk the repetition seems p important. def relevant to the striving vs content perspective, and also touches on my anti-consumerism/materialism and anti-"success" type things that seemed to drive her often
which brings me to last highlighted thing, love languages of acts of service and gifts: gifts are tricky bc i am still weird with money and reading theory about commodities have not helped. prob the thing i've least "grown" on, but ykow i still have the position so i'm skeptical
that its something i should grow out of. ofc once i stop being so financially dependent on parents my practices will change and maybe ill feel less weird about it, but in some ways i hope not. im sorta glad i have so much disgust. btw she didnt mention gifts on the list so maybe
this isn't fair to her/ isn't a big deal, but it was definitely a friction point and messed with other things like willingness to do things she found fun like shopping. but that stuff would also be much different bc anxiety shift, even if i had dispositional disgust for
anywayy acts of service i def still suck ass at. partly bc i haven't had any person to really practice w probably, but also bc idk its just weird to me. at the time tho i was def super super selfish and inconsiderate, and not selfish in the self respecting way, more like exploit
idk i also think part of this that is easy for me to overlook is just how introverted i am. like now that ive been out of a "romantic" relationship commitment i spend A LOT of time alone, and i love that!
buttttt i think when thinking about relationships in the abstract its easy for me to take that recovery time for granted, and overestimate the energy and time i really have for activities with others. not to say that gail was too demanding, like she was so so accommodating
but still i don't think i had enough time to give that she needed, even though she had tons of other relationships, and particularly if im her only "partner". i guess i just struggle to understand acts of service conceptually, maybe if i think about it in terms of mutual aid?