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which brings me to last highlighted thing, love languages of acts of service and gifts: gifts are tricky bc i am still weird with money and reading theory about commodities have not helped. prob the thing i've least "grown" on, but ykow i still have the position so i'm skeptical
that its something i should grow out of. ofc once i stop being so financially dependent on parents my practices will change and maybe ill feel less weird about it, but in some ways i hope not. im sorta glad i have so much disgust. btw she didnt mention gifts on the list so maybe
this isn't fair to her/ isn't a big deal, but it was definitely a friction point and messed with other things like willingness to do things she found fun like shopping. but that stuff would also be much different bc anxiety shift, even if i had dispositional disgust for
anywayy acts of service i def still suck ass at. partly bc i haven't had any person to really practice w probably, but also bc idk its just weird to me. at the time tho i was def super super selfish and inconsiderate, and not selfish in the self respecting way, more like exploit
idk i also think part of this that is easy for me to overlook is just how introverted i am. like now that ive been out of a "romantic" relationship commitment i spend A LOT of time alone, and i love that!
buttttt i think when thinking about relationships in the abstract its easy for me to take that recovery time for granted, and overestimate the energy and time i really have for activities with others. not to say that gail was too demanding, like she was so so accommodating
but still i don't think i had enough time to give that she needed, even though she had tons of other relationships, and particularly if im her only "partner". i guess i just struggle to understand acts of service conceptually, maybe if i think about it in terms of mutual aid?
so i might have diminished ability, but also have pretty diminished needs. that beings said, diminished ability doesn't exclude me from responsibilities like contributing to collective chores or being respectful and kind interacting, but moreso is about time commitment
this is one reason in particular why multiple relationships is so appealing, so that people can pick up my slack. i dont want the responsibility of having to be the primary and exclusive carer, it feels way too demanding and unhealthy. again, not gail's fault, just sorta a
structural problem for me. BUT i think certain things like being willing to leave my house or go a bit out of my way have shifted a bit, almost certainly not enough to meet the standard, but a bit. overall prob my least improved area and one that i think was very important
to her.
oh shit theres more whoops. oh god this shit is really bad compatibility wise lmao. starting easy, "active" like walks/gym i think im much much more open to, but am still very skeptical based on how many people are around. less of a workout problem more of a social thing
which brings me to... social (family, friends, going out to do things, spending time in public [ex hw]). yeah idk what to tell you, still super not into this shit. think im much more capable of faking it and my tolerance has increased a bunch, and def anxiety reduction
but for fun? nah. BUT maybe if i had fun person to go with it wouldn't be so bad? haven't really had that since disposition change so who knows, but still doubtful. She also brings up walks and seeing beautiful things like nature and yeah i forgot how much she loved outdoor stuff
how horrendous tbh, really tragic. totally not my comfort zone or vibe. if all alone i think things can be super super incredible, like going for a walk at night when no ones around and feeling wind or watching things happen, hell i even feel it walking around downtown