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buttttt i think when thinking about relationships in the abstract its easy for me to take that recovery time for granted, and overestimate the energy and time i really have for activities with others. not to say that gail was too demanding, like she was so so accommodating
but still i don't think i had enough time to give that she needed, even though she had tons of other relationships, and particularly if im her only "partner". i guess i just struggle to understand acts of service conceptually, maybe if i think about it in terms of mutual aid?
so i might have diminished ability, but also have pretty diminished needs. that beings said, diminished ability doesn't exclude me from responsibilities like contributing to collective chores or being respectful and kind interacting, but moreso is about time commitment
this is one reason in particular why multiple relationships is so appealing, so that people can pick up my slack. i dont want the responsibility of having to be the primary and exclusive carer, it feels way too demanding and unhealthy. again, not gail's fault, just sorta a
structural problem for me. BUT i think certain things like being willing to leave my house or go a bit out of my way have shifted a bit, almost certainly not enough to meet the standard, but a bit. overall prob my least improved area and one that i think was very important
to her.
oh shit theres more whoops. oh god this shit is really bad compatibility wise lmao. starting easy, "active" like walks/gym i think im much much more open to, but am still very skeptical based on how many people are around. less of a workout problem more of a social thing
which brings me to... social (family, friends, going out to do things, spending time in public [ex hw]). yeah idk what to tell you, still super not into this shit. think im much more capable of faking it and my tolerance has increased a bunch, and def anxiety reduction
but for fun? nah. BUT maybe if i had fun person to go with it wouldn't be so bad? haven't really had that since disposition change so who knows, but still doubtful. She also brings up walks and seeing beautiful things like nature and yeah i forgot how much she loved outdoor stuff
how horrendous tbh, really tragic. totally not my comfort zone or vibe. if all alone i think things can be super super incredible, like going for a walk at night when no ones around and feeling wind or watching things happen, hell i even feel it walking around downtown
but socially is a big question mark for me, almost always ruins it for me, even if its someone i like. just can't get into the right headspace ig. again coming back to how small of doses i can handle of these type of things before getting burnt out.
ok real last thing: pets :/ sorry i dont think you should kill them but yeah not really a big nonhuman animal guy. also the ethics are weird but im not like hardline, i just have some questions, and it gets weirder if species is hardcore domesticated. idk i can't stand sharing
space very much, and i very much lack interest in interaction.
alright prob way past time to wrap this up. in conclusion, i think ive grown a lot on a ton of different areas, and that feels really good. im not so much interested ultimately in my compatibility with her as much im interested in seeing how ive changed over time.
the areas in which ive improved are good for me regardless of what relationships i have in my life, which is super wonderful imo. there are somethings that ive had minimal movement on, but these are mostly particular things relating to her interests and passions, however
oop forgot to include travel. yeah i hate that too still, rip