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it’s a metaphor with worn embossing but the previous 9 months at least have felt like shallow, tense, constrained breathing to some extent
it had been building for some time for sure, but it certainly accelerated. the anxious kind of breaths one takes when trying to shy away from notice, or maybe more accurately between phrases while singing on stage
similar to those kind of performances, some minimal self-consciousness is required for immediate corrective measures (remaining in-tune, on-beat, etc), but meaningful evaluation can only take place retrospectively, with distance, when one’s lungs are full again.
only then can one examine the performance with clarity, and those evaluations might be beyond technical details and extend into choice of song, venue, instrument. perhaps one would prefer to be an audience member or a rugby player. maybe they love music but just need a break.
also to be clear i put myself on stage im not like victim lol. and to drop the metaphor i have behaved pretty shitty to some people while i learned a lot of painful lessons. not trying to flatten things, just noting the relief. not necessarily to affirm the present even, also to draw attention to
the ways in which i was withholding things and being less than forthright, even in the privacy of my own judgement, for quite some time
it was cool tho, fun times