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unsteady reciprocity? sure. intermittent anxiety? absolutely. emotional, clingy, reliant, immature? yea, often. but the admirative dependence and desire to relinquish myself to another are somewhat alien to me now.
maybe i just don’t trust anyone else for the task. which speaks to a certain disillusionment with the overestimations i’ve previously construed. by all means i will still wish for bold shoulders to hold my head, but i am my own clay, no one can take this from me.
i’m only able to feel this uneasy pride because of the confidence i gain through the relationships of my loved ones, and that’s a beautiful thing too
we should call more often hehe
another way of putting it is that i don’t have to be more than i am with and for you all, and while i want to be something more for primarily internally located reasons and will enjoy the externalities with you, your eyes are not what drive me onward
needless to say the categories i’m using are all over the place but i’m not a poet so you’ll have to cut me some slack
i’m partial to the naive reading of gloria as concrete individual rather than the abstraction. because my glorias are not perfect nor silent, that makes glory a possibility for me to achieve on my own terms with their indirect support (although not in any sort of subordinate way, for i reciprocate)