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willow
still working this out but i’ve recently been reflecting about the role of fantasy in my life. obviously spurred on by strong identification with the schizoid experiences i read about.
Disorders of the Self: New Therapeutic Horizons. The Masterson Approach. Ralph Klein, The Self-in-Exile, pg 64 Fantasy In the life of the schizoid patient, fantasy is extraordinarily important and has a variety of functions. Most often, fantasy is viewed as a component of a person's withdrawal from the world, a turning inward and away from oth-ers. Viewed in this fashion, fantasy would be a core component of the self-in-exile. But it is far more complicated than that. Fantasy is relationship by proxy. It is a substitute relationship, but it is a relationship nonetheless. It is, for the schizoid patient, an ideal, defensive, compensatory relation-ship. It is an expression of the self-in-exile because it is self-contained and free from the dangers and anxieties associated with appropriation. It is also an expression of the self struggling to connect to objects, albeit internal ob-jects. Fantasy permits schizoid patients to feel connected, and yet still free from the imprisonment of the master/slave unit. In short, in fantasy one can be attached (to internal objects) and still be free.
willow
i engage in this all the time, but it’s historically been intensely private and sensitive about it. an old blog post described it partially:
https://dreary.dev/blog/playlist-auto-ethnography/ for an entirely differently modality of engagement. I think that this helps to make the person remain in my thoughts and sometimes that's really comforting. Often I notice that just those minimal thoughts alone are enough to keep me from ever feeling lonely. Like I don't need friends actively, I just need the shadow of old friends. I don't think that's entirely true, but it does at least contribute to the delay in my socializing clock sometimes. Other times certainly though it causes me to miss the person in question, but rarely is it something that causes me to actively want to work towards resolving or reconnecting with the person. Moreso it allows me to feel some sadness and melancholy in the context of a relationship gone
willow
i still have these fantasies of interaction, and i wasn’t kidding the other day when i said one-sided intimacy/affection is my hobby. i particularly enjoy mediating my fantasies through associating objects, ex:
willowOct 30, 2024
i started watching yuru camp as a way to strengthen my parasocial relationship with mary
willow
sometimes that takes the form of direct confession of my emotional state with regards to a person, sometimes the more impersonal publishing of thoughts to bsky, with more or less specificity.
willow
which maybe means i’m in somewhat of a transitional state? or maybe i’m just settling into a new compromise. because i still have these vivid fantasies, but i use those reflections and emotions to fuel real relationships, somewhat relinquishing control and undermining the protection of distance.
willow
crucially though i can choose what to withhold and so can retain that power, so im not sure what to make of that. everything is far too in flux for me to make any strong prescriptions about this behavior, so i suppose im just taking note and monitoring for now.
willow
so yeah anyways thanks to everyone for being patient with me while i learn and experiment