still working this out but i’ve recently been reflecting about the role of fantasy in my life. obviously spurred on by strong identification with the schizoid experiences i read about.

i engage in this all the time, but it’s historically been intensely private and sensitive about it. an old blog post described it partially:

i still have these fantasies of interaction, and i wasn’t kidding the other day when i said one-sided intimacy/affection is my hobby. i particularly enjoy mediating my fantasies through associating objects, ex:

but that’s kinda the thing. over time i’ve started to be my vocal about such fantasies, and i’ve started using that as an avenue to make apprehensive inroads to more direct connection.

sometimes that takes the form of direct confession of my emotional state with regards to a person, sometimes the more impersonal publishing of thoughts to bsky, with more or less specificity.

which maybe means i’m in somewhat of a transitional state? or maybe i’m just settling into a new compromise. because i still have these vivid fantasies, but i use those reflections and emotions to fuel real relationships, somewhat relinquishing control and undermining the protection of distance.